Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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