Im at strip club and am horny
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
