i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Boobs are out for the taking
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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