Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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