Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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