I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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