I met the friendliest cop last night
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
