Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
NoShamevember. You game?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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