believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
