My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
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If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
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Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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