we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
When are your genitals available?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
