Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
We should try that some time.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.