Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
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Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
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Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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