who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Randomize
