capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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