I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
