One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
