i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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