Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
