please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
