guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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