My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
