Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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