maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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