Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
