I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
