Don't make out with my wife yet
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
it's like heaven, but drunker
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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