I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
