Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
