Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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