My first STD was from a foam party
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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