I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
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