I am puke
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
