why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Randomize
