He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
