Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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