dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Randomize
