this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
