there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
