1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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