sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
