I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Drake has all the answers
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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