I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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