Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
