I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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