We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
