My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
