He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
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My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
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yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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