Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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