I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
