Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
