my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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