Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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