There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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