I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
