I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
