I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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