sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
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