how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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