im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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