I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
