I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Randomize
