he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
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